Tears
by Arashi2
Summary: Rei cries. This is NOT a sequel to ' Smile '.


Tears I dropped the flowers I had been holding. A slight rustle ensued as they landed on the floor. Neither of them looked up. 

I turned my face away and walked down the corridor. I felt something drop from the side of my eye down to my cheek. Reaching up to touch my face, I brought my finger down and regarded what was on it. A single drop of moisture. 

Was I crying? 

I had never cried before in my life. Then again, neither had I smiled before Ikari-kun came. It seemed befitting that he be the one to bring tears to my eyes. He had the right. After all, he was the one who had made me smile. 

Smiling and crying. Expressions of emotions that were on the opposite ends of a spectrum. Why did he bring out so different emotions in me? 

I had merely intended to bring flowers for Ikari-kun. It was the normal practice to visit people who were injured, and to bring along a small gift, or so I was told. I never thought it would end with me crying. 

He once told me that people cried when they were unhappy, but they could also cry when they were happy. So was I happy or unhappy? Instinctively, I knew that what I felt was not happiness. Was I unhappy then? Was I unhappy about them being together? 

Logically, I should be unhappy, as happiness is ruled out. But this statement brought another question to my lips. Why was I unhappy? After all, I had seen people kissing before. Misato and Kaji, Hikari and Touji. Why was it different when I was watching them? Why was I unhappy to see them like that? 

Perhaps it was because I liked Ikari-kun. He was the only person who I could actually call a friend. Perhaps I did not like anybody to be as close to him as I was. 

But as I recalled the memory of the Second Child, bending over the hospital bed, her lips gently touching his, both of their eyes closed...I realised that it pained me. It pained me to see them like that, sharing that intimacy which I could never have, or hope to have. 

It was more emotion than was suitable for a friend. Perhaps I had what Misato would call a ' crush ' on Ikari-kun. She had told me that it was when a person liked another person in a romantic sense, as more than friends. Perhaps that was what I felt for him. 

But...somehow, I felt that there was something deeper. Something more than a mere attraction. 

Ikari-kun had been the first person, the only person, to have been interested in me as a person. Commander Ikari treated me as a tool, a useful tool, that could be used to further his purpose. The Second Child...Asuka...she didn't hate me, or at least I didn't think she did. She treated me as a colleague. Necessary to keep around, not necessary to associate with. She mocked me. Wondergirl, doll...those were the names that she called me. The people at school...they avoided me. To them I was cold, something to be seen but not touched. 

At times, I felt like screaming out to them: " I'm human too! " I had feelings, even if I hid them, and I could feel hurt. I could feel left out. And worse of all, I could feel alone. 

Ikari-kun was...different. He cared about me. He wanted to get to know the real me. Not the pilot, not the colleague, not the classmate. He wanted _me_. 

And it dawned on me, this was the reason. This was why I was willing to smile for him. 

And this time, perhaps, willing to cry.   
  


I have to apologise. I know that in my previous story, _Smile_, I promised that the next fic I wrote would be a Rei and Shinji one, but this definitely is not. I didn't intend for it to turn out this way. This idea just somehow came to me, and I thought it was something worth writing out. I swear, I absolutely did not intend to torture Rei this way. I love writing for her, and I love writing in her viewpoint. It's just that currently all her viewpoints tend to go towards angst, and romantic angst at that. I promise, somehow, someday, I _will_ churn out a Rei and Shinji fic. 

I don't know if you guys noticed, but several things in this story can be said to be the direct opposites of certain elements in my previous story. I don't intend to list it out here, but I'm sure you'll be able to find them on your own. As I mentioned in the summary, this is not a sequel to _Smile_. It may be related in some ways, but after reading this, you should have realised that the plotlines don't match. 

Before I leave, I would like to thank all the people that have reviewed and given me their advice and opinions on my first story. You've helped me a lot ( and I've actually gained a bit of confidence ). I hope you'll like this one as well. Once again, thank you, and, as I like to say, 'til the next story! 

- Ayanami Rei ( author ) 


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